And there are days when you are choked with emotions..but the numbness is so overpowering it refutes all reasons of letting thoughts breathe without fear of consequences.

Like stray memories demanding a decision to forgive or forget, let go or supress...
life sometimes poses questions framed in a format that is hardly decipherable by the mind and the heart... A phase comes I guess when an individual has no clue of what is happening around him/her but keeps operating...functioning..surviving...and sustaining... awaiting with bated breath for moments that would reaffirm his faith in the very word faith itself...

Crossroads are a dangerous juncture... you have to take you pick..
you may go backwards, go ahead..but freezing or going still is the worst form of surrender!


But life, time and again with its favourite game of hide and seek has splashed reasons on me to keep functioing...and at times cherishing and reveling in the ecstasy.

So what are we ultimately, zombies?? aliens to the other wordly creatures (if any) who emote, cry, smile, demand, whine, pester and ultimately mould into the rationalities with the emotions getting emoted like machines, where even a decision from the hearth is as functional as a device that flashes reminder or to-do note as set by its owner. The only difference here is we ourselves are the owner here running our lives like a puppet show. The heart is scared to feel,changes boggle and amuse it... and the most that the owner can do is probably try and tenderly hold the heart with utmost care by protecting it from the harshness outside. A scratch and you are damaged for a lifetime. How weak;) I guess whoever says he is strong says so with all the scratches and wounds having gone numb in the heart and well! ignorance is bliss right, you just need to be prepared to shut the sudden pangs and desires that heart cries out for at times.

By the way I inteneded to start this post on an entirely note, but never mind..
Life is beautiful:) more later...

random

sorry...deleting this post.

Let the precious comments be here though...:)

Let there be light....

The music of farewell trance from Kabhi alvida na kehna kept repeating itself, the heat outside tried desperately and arrogantly to enter through the glass pane, friends asking her to go out for a movie or go shopping for cute chappals and junk from street bazaar in the city , Smses dropping in once in a while, chat windows popping up with heys and hiiiis….

It was a packed moment now.. and then the next just goes so blank she ends up sitting under the shower shaken and shivering not knowing what to do next.

Life wasn’t sad, life can never be sad. It’s just that intense sense of … existence..or non-existence that baffles you at times.
There is so much happening, all the tamasha, the very phenomenon of something defines hope for what is to come.

Lines from the movie The curious case of Benjamin Button kept playing in her head…

“For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people who have a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of, and if you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again”

She sometimes felt blessed to be able to watch the sun set in its best hues and aura every evening, while sipping a cuppa chai, and let the breeze calmly fondle her face and hair…

She gets restless so easily, it almost scares her at times…the anxiety, the dreams drive her crazy. The sudden jolts from her sleep, and coaxing herself back to sleep, she was learning to love herself…
She learnt and she unlearnt..and she is learning again..
She dreamt and she stepped upon pieces of shattered piercing hopes every moment…
She smiled and felt the tears brewing up in her heart eager to trickle down ….every moment.

A trance indeed. So many people go through these undulating waves of emotions day in and day out…. But they carry on…something inside them dies at times..but there are newer things that come alive…

God becomes your best friend, and sometimes you are scared to trust the almighty even. He never promises you happiness in the way we want to see it. Everyday is called a gift for reasons…reasons she seeked everyday…debates in her mind that had no answer,,,

She wonders, the answers we get..are they the truth…or it’s just another fabricated philosophy to go on….. oh what were those words that the Fasttrack giant hoardings scream…Move on…

She laughs everytime she hears the words Move on…What an easy way to escape the answers…

It was all a clutter, a chaos, interwoven thoughts of past, present and the future…
As noisy and deafening as the bedlam of crazy confusions that seeped into her mind everytime she manages to fall asleep. Perks of growing up..eh! Well goodluck to her.

Luck by Chance

Ik Raasta Kaanto Ka Hai
Ik Rasta Phool Ka
Tujhpe Hai Kaunse
Tu Raaste Ko Chune

Ik Raasta Hai Soch Ka
Ik Rasta bhool Ka..
Tujhpe Hai Tera Dil
Ab Kya Kahe Kya Sune
Hoga Tera Yeh Faisla
Hai Sochna Ya Bhool Na


Hey!
I loved Luck By Chance (Yeah, may be more for personal reasons, keep guessing;))
But whatever, few scenes and dialougues were so well done and yes! matured too.
Life and People. Excitement and Guilt. Hope and despair. and...harsh realities.. The movie had it all. Amazing effort I must say.

Konkaka did it again.
And Farhan is cute. Really really so;) His character has been etched out beautifully...
I enjoyed the movie....do watch it atleast once.

Fiction Figments

She looked at them after the important presentation, indifferently but feigned a look of anticipation, a skill she had mastered over years.
Her colleague gave her a cheerful look and whispered how ‘cool’ the pitch went, the brand new campaign for a new variant of the leading brand specially designed for the rural counterparts of the country. The CEO patted her back and congratulated for the efforts she had put in. She thought to herself, what efforts! it’s a daily routine, preparing for meetings like these, that she so thoroughly enjoyed… not so much the end as the process…

Work was hectic, as hectic as the rush in the local railway stations and daily struggle to get into the jam-packed rusted compartment of the local trains. The chaos, the fight through the clumsiness gave her a sense of order, a purpose. Parallel to this, her real purpose existed in the angel back home.

The disorder, expectations hurled at her in the office muted at home with a warm hug, not so much the hug as the very phenomena .. arms flung open at her, energetically, willingly, desperately, inviting to erase the pressure and tensions that filled her ambience around at work. And the giggles that followed and the never ending yap! Back home, she would mesmerize into the feeling, they would lie side by side looking out of the window, staring at the moon and the clouds, and watching the fresh dew drops smile at them early in the morning. The rest of the world ceased to exist then, and all that lay spread before them were opportunities to live life to the hilt. Every achievement made sense, every competition seemed challenging, and every new day felt meaningful.

Yes, it was the angel , her sweet little angel who had suddenly filled her senses with contentment. Happiness? She had stopped bothering about happiness long back,
when promises of happiness shattered like rubbles of a fragile building, fragments that could never be the same again, in its entirety , having lost its essence, helplessly.

She had felt the pangs so bad, the emptiness..the anxiety, the empty hopes… the forced nightmares, emptiness again, dreams that choked, like an impact ! emptiness again, despair and a naked dance of those situations. …The cellphone she had wished to throw away, guilty of her fingers that automatically dialed numbers she shouldn’t, she needn’t, she fell prey to the little device, the machine that ruled her days then. That let her hear voices that gave her hope…and then the emptiness again.

Her convictions had brought her trouble. She had decided to preserve the love that made her heart swell with pride. She didn’t care who else cared, when the person who should have cared the most let go! Reasons flew in air, discussions and possibilities mentioned….and then the same emptiness.. Futility and more of it!! Killing the love didn’t seem to solve the problem… she decided to hold on. She would handle the pangs, alone! Burning photographs or curses only aggravated the problem. Emotions felt void of purpose…

Years went by, she went on, life went on, successfully. Sometimes she gaily liked to call herself a successful living corpse, a zombie. Such clichéd darkness, she would laugh aloud!

Fast forward - - > The day she went to this adoption center , a fear filled her heart. The familiar fear, of her dreams shattering the moment she saw hope… and expected them to last.

It all happened like a blurred piece of fiction, the initial formalities, talks, elaborate details of her background…. And then the angel in her arms, it had looked into her eyes with a twinkle so innocent she fell in love with the little bundle then and there.
The bright eyes spoke volumes about the days to come. Responsibilities, she didn’t run away from them. She liked to fulfill them at the right time, and when she decided the world couldn’t stop her.
She named her Simran. In her she saw an extension of her love. She made her dreams come true. She preserved the delight when situations had given up and made them come true in her own way. If something has to live forever, who could ever kill it. Not shallow surrenders of all the things!

The black and white photographs turned coloured again… she looked at the old snaps, the genuine smiles , the twinkle in the eyes and the firm beliefs…she remembered her dreams of a home, the brightly-lit drawing room , low sofas, dimly-lit bedroom inviting moon’s gaze, full of photo-frames of candid shots, the lively discussions. .. Mesmerizing into the feeling, they would lie side by side looking out of the window, staring at the moon and the clouds, and watching the fresh dew drops smile at them early in the morning. The world would cease existing then, and all that would lay spread before them would be opportunities to live life to the hilt. Every achievement would make sense, every competition challenging, and every new day meaningful… and she remembered their dreams of a kid running around the house , hopping with those mischievous giggles , her curls flying with the breeze , her pink lips turning rosy with each word she uttered…

"It doesn't hurt, Ollie, really," she said. "It's like falling off a cliff in slow motion, you know?"
- Love story

In the movie dil kabbadi, character played by Soha Ali Khan goes something like this...
She can't hold her mind still, even when she should. She imagines wild, weird, obscure things when she should be focussing on more important things!
Thus goes my life.. if my life was a person, he would be this adventure freak, amused at the simplest of things and surprised at all the ironies and dark humour that sketches his being. And that affects me. Balance is the need of the hour.
No extra emotions and no irrelevant tears. Just plain acceptance and trust.
Wait, I even forgot why I started writing this post.

My friend told me the other day really firmly, and how I love her for that, that we need to survive and live no matter what! We have to take care of ourselves, eat in time, (force food down the throat if needed), sleep in time, work and carry on! Rest will follow. And even if it doesn't YOU HAVE to carry on. SO I said hell, yeah, how true.


K, i need some inspiration to write..and believe why must I write.. I d just finish reading a book and convince myself how important it is to let your imagination go wild and delve in the joy/sadness.Or may be this is JUST not the right time.

A thought: Is it your constant worry that makes the worry come true , or was it bound to happen..May be the worrying part was just preparing you to face the reality to come?
If the latter holds true, everything falls in system and logic!


And do have a look at this beautiful post on the myth of timeless art: LORADO TAFT'S FOUNTAIN OF TIME and go the post named -->LORADO TAFT'S FOUNTAIN OF TIME-->Wednesday, November 26, 2008

inspiration

Bits on Advertising

Great Moments in Advertising: Leo Burnett's Speech
This speech was delivered by Leo Burnett at a meeting of the entire Chicago Burnett office on December 1, 1967.

Watch the Video Here

'When to take my name off the door'

"Somewhere along the line, after I’m finally off the premises, you – or your successors – may want to take my name off the premises, too.

You may want to call yourselves " Twain, Rogers, Sawyer and Finn, Inc."….. or "Ajax Advertising" or something.

That will certainly be OK with me – if it’s good for you.

But let me tell you when I might demand that you take my name off the door.

That will be the day when you spend more time trying to make money and less time making advertising – our kind of advertising.

When you forget that the sheer fun of ad making and the lift you get out of it – the creative climate of the place – should be as important as money to the very special breed of writers and artists and business professionals who compose this company of ours – and make it tick.

When you lose that restless feeling that nothing you do is ever quite good enough.

When you lose your itch to the job well for it’s sake – regardless of the client, or money, or the effort it takes.

When you lose your passion for thoroughness…you hatred of loose ends.

When you stop reaching the manner, the overtones, the marriage of words and pictures that produce the fresh, the memorable and the believable effect.

When you stop rededicating yourselves every day to the idea that better advertising is what the Leo Burnett Company is about.

When you are no longer what Thoreau called "a corporation with a conscience" – which means to me, a corporation of conscientious men and women.

When you begin to compromise your integrity – which has always been the heart’s blood – the very guts of this agency.

When you stoop to convenient expediency and rationalize yourselves into acts of opportunism – for the sake of a fast buck.

When you show the slightest sign of crudeness, inappropriateness or smart –aleckness – and you lose that subtle sense of the fitness of things.

When your main interest becomes a matter of size just to be big - rather that good, hard, wonderful work.

When your outlook narrows down to the number of windows – from zero to five – in the walls of your office.

When you lose your humility and become big-short wisenheimers…. a little bit too big for your boots.

When the apples come down to being just apples for eating (or for polishing) – no longer part of our tone or personality.

When you disprove of something, and start tearing the hell out of the man who did it rather than the work itself.

When you stop building on strong and vital ideas, and start a routine production line.

When you start believing that, in the interest of efficiency, a creative spirit and the urge to create can be delegated and administrated, and forget that they can only be nurtured, stimulated, and inspired.

When you start giving lip service to this being a "creative agency" and stop really being one.

Finally, when you lose your respect for the lonely man – the man at his typewriter or his drawing board or behind his camera or just scribbling notes with one of our big pencils – or working all night on a media plan. When you forget that the lonely man – and thank God for him – has made the agency we now have – possible. When you forget he’s the man who, because he is reaching harder, sometimes actually gets hold of for a moment - one of those hot, unreachable stars.

THAT, boys and girls, is when I shall insist you take my name off the door. And by golly, it will be taken off the door. Even if have to materialize long enough some night to rub it out myself - on every one of our floors. And before I DE-materialize again, I will paint out that star-reaching symbol too. And burn all the stationary. Perhaps tear up a few ads in passing.

And throw every god-damned apple down the elevator shafts.

You just won’t know the place, the next morning. You’ll have to find another name."

May be it is not as bad yet... but
for all the sadistic pleasure luck derives
by snatching away what is held precious
for the brutal separation from the umbilical cord
I'd ****ing continue smiling!

best friends

the problem with best friends is
they make you feel better
even when you want to feel bitter

!!

Nobody's Home

Nobody's Home - Avril Lavigne

I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
That's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.

Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
That's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
Yeah,oh

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
That's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh...
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh...

Questions

Zindagi zindagi Listen to it here

Zindagi zindagi,
Kya kami reh gayi,
Aankh ki kor mein,
Aankh ki kor mein,
Kyu nami reh gayi..

Zindagi zindagi,
Kya kami reh gayi,
Aankh ki kor mein,
Kyu nami reh gayi..
Tu kahan kho gayi,
Tu kahan kho gayi,
Koi aaya nahi,
Dopahar ho gayi,
Koi aaya nahi,
Zindagi zindagi..

Din aaye din jaaye,
Sadiyaan bhi gin aaye,
Sadiyaan re..
Tanhayi lipti hai,
Lipti hai saasaon ki,
Rasiya re..

Tere bina badi pyaasi hai,
Tere bina hai pyaasi re,
Naino ki do sakhiyan re,
Tanha re, mein tanha re..

Zindagi zindagi,
Kya kami reh gayi,
Aankh ki kor mein,
Kyu nami reh gayi..
Zindagi zindagi..

Subah ka kohra hai,
Shaam ki dhool hai,
Tanhai hai,
Raat bhi zard hai,
Dard hi dard hai,
Ruswai hai,
Kaise kate saansein uljhi hai,
Raaten badi jhulsi jhulsi hai,
Naina kori sadiyaan re,
Tanha re, mein tanha re..

[Zindagi zindagi,
Kya kami reh gayi,
Aankh ki kor mein,
Kyu nami reh gayi
Tu kahan kho gayi,
Koi aaya nahi,
Dopahar ho gayi,
Koi aaya nahi..

Zindagi zindagi,
Kya kami reh gayi,
Aankh ki kor mein,
Kyu nami reh gayi..
________


Movie : Yuvraaj (2008)
Music Director: A R Rahman
Director: Subhash Ghai
Producer: Subhash Ghai
Lyricist: Gulzar
Song Title: Zindagi
_________________

Just a thought:
Have you ever noticed, how at times, when nothing works, it's despair that gives you that much craved hope...

black hole

"Have you heard of the black hole?


You are getting into a black hole,
you are becoming the black hole,

a vicious circle of your own thoughts,

Get out of it before it's too late"




Blackhole: A black hole is a theoretical region of space in which the gravitational field is so powerful that nothing, not even electromagnetic radiation (e.g. visible light), can escape its pull after having fallen past its event horizon.

and, at times you do wish you could just erase few memories off...

Dreams and Nightmares

And time around me whispers when its cold
The changes somehow frighten me
Still I have to smile


And what about tomorrow
And what about our dreams
And all the memories we share...John Denver

_______________

Dreams and Nightmares:


What are my dreams like...and my nightmares?

Have you ever felt this way

You are stuck somwhere, you wouldn't want to
an uncanny, eerie atmoshphere engulfed in elements of dark humour
so not where you would like to be
people around behaving awkwardly
someone dear dead
or waving a goodbye

Visuals of a whirlpool heading to devour all the characters
with you in the center extending your arms for help

Or...
a narrow warped lane, like its been distorted on photoshop
not knowing where it leads to

or
the most delicious food served on a platter
you feel the hunger pangs, actually! in your dreams
but just can't reach them

or
you tucked somewhere, suddenly realizing
you are at a height
a scary height....
you look down and your heart skips a beat,
and the moment the thoughts you try avoiding strikes your mind,
like the thought of not falling down...
it happens.
you fall off
in mid-air
and the heart beats faster, so fast...like you can't take it any more, like you have stopped breathing,
full of fear and trepidation

You know its just a nightmare
and yet you can't open your eyes

You tell yourself, its just a dream
and that you are actually lying on your bed
under your quilt
probably you stuffed your face too much into your pillow, so you can't breathe
and if you try hard enough you can get back to earth...
you can get back to your room
with people existing
just a call away

You tell that to yourself numourous times
and force your eyes to open
so hard
and there! the moment you think its over
you hear vague voices from a distance
like people and souls talking to you
you see visuals of you lying on a bed

you tell yourself
its still a nightmare
and you need to try harder

and then your eyes actually open
you realize it somehow... I can't explain that.
you just have to trust you are back
your eyes heavy
craving for sleep
but you don't let your eyes shut
cuz you don't want to be back to the weird place
and the scary elements of that other worldy atmosphere
Instead you lay wide awake
helplessl in absolute comatoseness
watching your insomnia celebrating its victory...

_____________
I was surprised to watch clips so similar in the movie eternal sunshine of the spotless mind and tv show grey's anatomy,
something I have experienced so many times before
and the best thing being
I have always fought it
even in my dreams and nightmares and am proud of it
I can communicate whats essential and get out of my..my..misery
though the pangs remain.
But somewhere the pangs can go take a hike and let me live!!
________
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind:

I loved the movie most for the concept. Imagine trying to erase memories?????of your loved ones? Damn! erasing memories of all the times spent together and any fond thought that has some relevance to the relationship . As for me, even if I have/had someone special in my life, and I have to forgo it for whatever reason(life is like that you know), I would with pride claim all the memories that where once ours, and so I have a stake in the joint venture too;) I hate the idea of returning gifts when people break up, its like insulting all the memories you have earned so far.Its painful, but you gotto respect the past somehow. Easier said than done though... am just blabbering about what would be ideal, like everything ideal actually happens!

back to the movie....

The protagonist trying to gather memories back that he volunatarily is wiling to let go off.
He is put to sleep by doctors and his brrain is being fiddled with to erase memories of him and his love...
Before he is turned unconscious, he is made to share each memory so that its easier for the doctors to systematically get rid of them, from his mind.
He is made to describe each object that has a memory attached to him and her.




One by one, moments get erased
Moments of their first meet, fights, quarrels, the way they gazed at the evening sky while lying on the snow....
till a point comes
when the forward button
brings him a beautiful memory..
of both under a quilt
whispering sweet nothings
where she shares her worst fear with him
and her childhood tales
and he assures her lovingly...

its then that he prays for the memory to stay...
and let them not snatch it away from him..
its then that he struggles to stop the process
He is put to sleep you see, and can't scream out right now...
But finally succeeds..
actually, he does it together with her
in his dreams
and both of them fight it together
and reverse the memories-erasing process

They realize all the bitter venom they had given away about the other
when they decided its better to get rid of the memories
and realize, they wanted to get rid of momories cuz they were too special to handle if the person they loved is not around..
and they make peace
confessing that its okay not be perfectly okay in a relationship
what matters at the end is the "togetherness" which lucky few get...

Remembrance:The ability to recall past occurrences
Memory:Something that is remembered

For memories are nurtured in the heart, the brain is just a device to contain and remember them
You can erase remembrances you know....but never the memories..they come back, and haunt you...they thrive....


________

Grey's anatomy


The other day he watches her sinking into the bathtub
and lying their lifeless for couple of seconds
untill he pulls her out of the water

And again
he pulls her out of
the ocean
where she got drowned accidentaly.
He knew, she must have given up even then
and let herself sink deep into devouring water
cuz the confusions around her life were too much to handle may be.

Bright, intellignet, funny and an aspiring surgeon, Meredith goes into coma..
cuz she gave up just for couple of seconds.
She travels through a journey of after-death experience
still unwilling to get back to earth
but finally fights it and returns to life....

____________

Who can ever explain all the abstraction floating around us day in and day out..
Things beyond our comprehension..
Beyond the power of science and logic
all I know is they are!...and not acknowledging them is not me...
so lemmebeme...
I can land into a sociably accepted job, marriage, family life
and yet regret not having sunk in deep for a while when I could
regret for giving into the accepted
my smile taken for my happiness
and my longing gaze taken as fleeting worry....

Bulbul pakhi

Those who love me will tune into this song ;)
Bulbul Pakhi by Antara
Yes, its a bengali nursery song and you will still listen to it okay!

I can write a thesis on my childhood and spray them with nostalgia keeping these songs in my mind, but am on a disadvantage when it comes to time these days:(
So give me some of it, I d be back.Hopefully.


State of Mind:
Amazingly positive and negative at the same time. I really wonder if I am one of those people who have both +ve and -ve blood group at the same time;) No, no such specie has been found so far :P

See ya.


Some spontaneous lines as a comment by me on a thought provoking post. Post about? Life what else!!!

they r words... all tht u just blurted out, and they mean a lot...
we get trapped probably when we start thinking they make sense to whom exactly? and then starts flowing the thoughts of this unbearble burden turning us numb day after day...

i guess, we make a choice, to continue living with it and feeling more n more every moment or give up moulding into the rationalities around..

cuz if u gotto feel it u gotto feel it hard, its painful, n unfortunately tht's how it is..

n bout u...wht i feel is..Despite everything, u go on...exploring more, learning more, atleast wanting to know more, n u are aware of your lost and found oppurtunities as well..and that means something now...

-khamakha

And I smile...

Somtimes its okay to let some "doesn't make any sense!" thoughts just be...
let them just breathe
so that tommorow you know they existed
at some phase of your life
and its okay

but sometimes I can't write when the feeling of others reading it bothers me
so have decided, i d just write without any obligation of posting them(dun worry it's more of a self imposed obligation!)
On a lighter note, now that exams approach, the rational side of life, the urge to discover the other side doesn't stay calm
So herz another of my random scribbles- khamakha...n not so khamakha....





And I smile
___________________________________


You look for me
In the coldness engulfing the icy thirsty souls
You look for me…
You look for me now, when I am already gone
In the pitch dark planet of the bittered hearts
You seek the warmth of a wintry moment
Now that…
Winters have gone numb, summer has frozen, spring shattered into a slow death bit by bit
It was then that
words played around us
Oh! I could hold each word on my palm
Like a dew
Stare deep into its soul, for eternity
Unfold each emotion
And kiss its being
Until they would melt away into my lips
Drench my heart and drug me top to toe, inside out

It was then that
thoughts reclined under the sun
resting their arms on us
seeping into us at ease
through each pore
stir us
mould into violent waves
of dreams of tomorrow
of eternal giggles to be..

And now
Look at that sparkle dust
At a distance
I walk ten steps to be there
Each step growing heavier
Failing, crinkling with the roughness beneath and inside ….
Blurring my vision
with dusty misty past
oh! The angles mock too, leaves wither with the touch of my existence
Looking away, my eyelashes shift heavy with soul drops
To tenderly pick a blue shimmery piece of glass
Wrapped in the sparkle dust
What seems like once part of a royal window
Through which the princess must have awaited her lover’s steps
Must have looked so adorable that moment, chin resting on her right dry palm, barren blue eyes gazing out, her careless, lifeless, long wavy hair, touching the floor, while she waited with an hourglass and dreamt of days to come
The window must have broken
Blue pieces shattered to ground
Sands of the hour glass blown away by the angry wind
Smearing the fallen glasses into a rosy sad glitter
There goes
Another round of hope and despair
Another shot of filthy wrath

And then,
The blue glass pierced my finger tip
To wake me out of my muse
And out spilled red exotic drops
That they call blood
And dripped down with them
Uninvited, long forgotten
crystal pearls from my eyes
that they call tears

I let them flow and flow
Let them breathe, finally
Out of the stifling bittered zone of my heart
Let them trickle and drench the air, the thoughts, the words, and memories….
Let them drench the burning anger
Like the soothing touch of a mother on her feverish child’s forehead
Like the balmy breeze of the ocean mildly slapping the faces of the crestfallen souls

Tenderly, carefully, like a newborn baby,
I held the crystal drop on my palm
Watching it melt into the redness
And held it there
For hours
Stared deep into its soul
Like staring at the words on my palm
Remember?

They froze
They don’t move anymore
Icybrutal, ditched, and black
They have turned numb
Tears and words alike…


Emotions
Like whirlpool
Dance around
Hitting each vein
Teasing each thought
Chasing each desire
Desires… like molten iron scarring the soul
Pushing me to face my worst nightmares
Building illusions
Weaving collage out of hidden photographs, lost words dripping down the flying papers in the fierce wind, abandoned and never to be revealed
Mocking aloud
Celebrating the defeat
Dancing a wild dance of fake empathy and brutal sympathy

I stared hard and cold
And then
Laughed along
I raised a toast too
To another lesson learnt, another page flipped, in the book of life
And I smile…..

Too often the thing you want most is the one thing you can’t have.
Desire leaves us heart broken. It wears us out.
Desire can wreck your life.
But as tough as wanting something can be
The people who suffer the most
Are those who don’t know what they want…- Grey’s anatomy

untitled

She felt sick, ill, nauseated and miserable. Perfect, goes with the mood, she thought.
One of those migraine like headaches. Didn’t know what caused them. Too much of sun, lack of a cup of tea in the morning, or disturbing thoughts. Today was a mix of all of them, so the headache was pretty inevitable. Not an issue, but she wanted to avoid the way she felt then . She had hurriedly returned to her room in the evening after the classes, and made her fav flavoured tulsi and ginger chai. What a soothing sensation. But the ache had already started spreading and the treat did little to shoo it away. So that means she couldn’t delve into movies or tv shows that would help her stay sane cuz tht woud strain her eyes, forget about trying to read a book.

The evening remided her of a recent summer evening, when too much of heat had done the same to her, drained her of all energy and successfully got her bed-ridden. How she had mumbled incoherently about the sun outside when it was evening and her friend assured her on phone everything was alright and that she could go to sleep.

And today, she tucked herself into the bed, saw her roomie enter. She had requested her to give her a 10-min head massage which she so direly needed. She hated asking for favours. She wondered, how her mom or sister wouldn’t like anyone to come near them when they had a headache. She so unlike them always looked for the touch therapy:) Her roommate forgot about the massage altogether, poor thing, not her fault, she has been too engrossed in one of her projects, that’s what a professional course does to you.
She craved for some one like her mother, her best friend Anita or …
She could always act unabashedly around Anita who would always sense she was ill and sweetly ask her if she needed a head massage or her food into the room or wanted the lights off and some silence!
Some faded images of her childhood filled her senses too. Whenever she fell ill, her father would make her lie on the bed with her head on the edge, take a bucket full of water and let some water run through her head for some time. She with her eyes shut like a baby would forget all about the pain letting the water drip down her hair like a cool pleasant cascade. Funny, but she somehow couldn’t help the memories. Seems like succha distant thing now. Those unique methods that only the elderly know of. And now…she often wondered, suddenly the so powerful ever youthful elderly ones had begun to grow old. They all only speak of anecdotes that surround their children’s lives, how they have grown, their achievements , marriage , their kids. With such ease they slip into the world of their kids away from individualistic seeks , dedicating all of their life…for the little ones.
But she still found her father so handsome and young , her mom still the most beautiful.
She popped in a paracetamol, played with her teddy, coaxing herself to sleep, delving into some of those fine fond memories…

wrath

Whatz my fault if certain things don't find their right places in my life
Am I doing this intentionally? You may at your sweet ease attach tags like mean, irresponsible, shouldn't-do, cuz you can afford do. If I could afford I wouldn't have cared a damn too. Whatz my fault if I can't ..whatz my fault if there are things that I know are should be some way but they JUST ARE NOT.
What do I do if the darkness actually engulfs me...
What do I do if some songs remind me of things I shouldn't.
What else do I do but to accept it as a part of my destiny to be victim to all that's happening to me
What do I do if I don't want to be like others want me to be
If I want my time by myself when the whole world out there is celebrating, and yet if I feel the pangs
What do I do if I can;t find solutions after seeking them and trying them out seems like widening horizons of confusions
If even after desperately trying to tie and untie few knots they cease to listen to me and refuse to get the bloody hell away from my way
What do I do when I feel angry like this
and I don't know what to do with all these anger
What else but to talk of detachment.
Period.