Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Moments of truth

She sat quietly in the vast space amidst a crowd of people chattering between each other.
As she gazed at nothing (the mode she often gets into) moments rushed past her, smiling, mocking and questioning her like naughty, innocent kids on the streets pulling your kurti for a penny with that captivating twinkle in their eyes.
Gently and tenderly she shut her eyes, ready to be back home.
It’s been a long time she had been home. Her home. Her heart. Where she felt belonged and special.
She felt music hitting her veins like a razor.. sharp razor…so strong was the impact of the soulful tunes that played in her mind, ruthlessly, again and again with slight pauses in between. She choked with pain but wouldn’t let go of the moment.
The calming darkness soothed her senses, the tranquility of the moment engulfed her existence in absoluteness.
Before she realized, tears rolled down her cheeks silently, yeah those saline, watery fluid, much against her will to give into her weaknesses.
Instinctively, her hands reached the centre of her heart and placed themselves comfortably there. She felt her heart. Right there, the beats, each beat…. She felt surprised at the discovery, the tangible discovery!
She felt as if her heart was craving to open up, it pleaded for help, it needed some nourishment against all the rationality that the harsh ways of living mercilessly ask it to cope up with.
Moments floated in air.
Hit her like powerful waves.
Images of a girl curving into herself , head buried in the knees , for solace, some protection….in her balcony, under the stars in the pitch darkness.
Days when she would fall asleep weeping with only the breeze acting as a balm for the open gaping wounds.
Of the little girl wandering off to unknown lands to chase the sun, just to be the first one to feel its warmth.
Her family
Fleeting images of some forgotten souls who never ceased to care for her, and whom she successfully managed to push in to the ‘forgotten list’

It all rushed hurriedly, as if someone had hurled bundle of things at her all at once, or like passengers at a local compartment pushing, tearing each other apart to find their ways.
She felt boggled, bothered and uncomfortable. Very very uncomfortable.
She drifted into an entirely different zone…like a soul floating and swaying in the smokes of the ashes of its deceased body. Free. Liberated. Yeah..almost.
Was it really happening? The phenomena…?
She reveled in the absolute cluelessness.
Her heart that she held on to so dearly, felt so exhausted… it really did.
It sought no sympathy. Just empathy. It sought a home. A dwelling.
It sought the tenderness, away from the dos and donts of the world…away from the fears of losing its near and dear ones, away from the truth of futility of life…
Whirlpool of illustrations that symbolized love, life, lust, relationships, insecurities and sacred secrets screamed aloud…tearing her heart apart….pleading to ‘let go’, pleading for some care.

Deep rooted gaps in life they say.
Unfulfilled, sacred wishes that would put Freud to shame and defy all logic of psychological findings.
The music was still playing, cutting her apart, but kinder and gentler than before…
like an asthma patient finally finding his lost breath again after a fatal attack.

Her left hand lovingly covered her forehead to let the thoughts out….confront them and breath in the air to feel the cool breeze..the kind that only embraces you by a sea shore.

A white light splashed and bathed her in the rays.
There appeared a tree out of no where in the far stretched fairyland.
She saw her sitting under it lovingly and carefree. There were angels flying all around, so close, like she could extend her hands and touch them .The rays from the halo touched her and kissed her being. She giggled..
Just then an angel sat on her shoulder and whispered a message into her left ear while she carefully listened to it. Her eyes lit up….
And she continued basking in the joy of being… amidst the angels, and the vibrant air, each atom breathing life , love and care meant just for her….
Her palms opened up to receive…She felt the tranquility engulfing her again.
The unconditional surrender helped her receive far more than she had expected.
After a long time, what seems like ages, she felt at sync with things around her..not in the absolute sense.. but only she knew how much she needed this.

She didn’t want to get back to earth….but as she softly opened her eyes, the lights around didn’t pierce her vision. She felt like being okay…
She still felt the bliss in every pore of her body, she still felt her heart….that tangibly…
yes it existed and she is alive..:)

That was the most intense form of meditation that she underwent after a long long time, for all she knew she truly deserved the treat.
Life keeps happening to us , now and then…but then such moments of truth just help you get a little closer to life and reaffirm you faith in the miracles around.