Thursday, November 6, 2008

Dreams and Nightmares


And time around me whispers when its cold
The changes somehow frighten me
Still I have to smile



And what about tomorrow
And what about our dreams
And all the memories we share
...John Denver

_______________

Dreams and Nightmares:


What are my dreams like...and my nightmares?

Have you ever felt this way

You are stuck somwhere, you wouldn't want to
an uncanny, eerie atmoshphere engulfed in elements of dark humour
so not where you would like to be
people around behaving awkwardly
someone dear dead
or waving a goodbye

Visuals of a whirlpool heading to devour all the characters
with you in the center extending your arms for help

Or...
a narrow warped lane, like its been distorted on photoshop
not knowing where it leads to

or
the most delicious food served on a platter
you feel the hunger pangs, actually! in your dreams
but just can't reach them

or
you tucked somewhere, suddenly realizing
you are at a height
a scary height....
you look down and your heart skips a beat,
and the moment the thoughts you try avoiding strikes your mind,
like the thought of not falling down...
it happens.
you fall off
in mid-air
and the heart beats faster, so fast...like you can't take it any more, like you have stopped breathing,
full of fear and trepidation

You know its just a nightmare
and yet you can't open your eyes

You tell yourself, its just a dream
and that you are actually lying on your bed
under your quilt
probably you stuffed your face too much into your pillow, so you can't breathe
and if you try hard enough you can get back to earth...
you can get back to your room
with people existing
just a call away


You tell that to yourself numourous times
and force your eyes to open
so hard
and there! the moment you think its over
you hear vague voices from a distance
like people and souls talking to you

you see visuals of you lying on a bed

you tell yourself
its still a nightmare
and you need to try harder

and then your eyes actually open
you realize it somehow... I can't explain that.
you just have to trust you are back
your eyes heavy
craving for sleep
but you don't let your eyes shut
cuz you don't want to be back to the weird place
and the scary elements of that other worldy atmosphere
Instead you lay wide awake
helplessl in absolute comatoseness
watching your insomnia celebrating its victory...

_____________
I was surprised to watch clips so similar in the movie eternal sunshine of the spotless mind and tv show grey's anatomy,
something I have experienced so many times before
and the best thing being
I have always fought it
even in my dreams and nightmares and am proud of it
I can communicate whats essential and get out of my..my..misery
though the pangs remain.
But somewhere the pangs can go take a hike and let me live!!
________
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind:

I loved the movie most for the concept. Imagine trying to erase memories?????of your loved ones? Damn! erasing memories of all the times spent together and any fond thought that has some relevance to the relationship . As for me, even if I have/had someone special in my life, and I have to forgo it for whatever reason(life is like that you know), I would with pride claim all the memories that where once ours, and so I have a stake in the joint venture too;) I hate the idea of returning gifts when people break up, its like insulting all the memories you have earned so far.Its painful, but you gotto respect the past somehow. Easier said than done though... am just blabbering about what would be ideal, like everything ideal actually happens!

back to the movie....

The protagonist trying to gather memories back that he volunatarily is wiling to let go off.
He is put to sleep by doctors and his brrain is being fiddled with to erase memories of him and his love...
Before he is turned unconscious, he is made to share each memory so that its easier for the doctors to systematically get rid of them, from his mind.
He is made to describe each object that has a memory attached to him and her.




One by one, moments get erased
Moments of their first meet, fights, quarrels, the way they gazed at the evening sky while lying on the snow....
till a point comes
when the forward button
brings him a beautiful memory..
of both under a quilt
whispering sweet nothings

where she shares her worst fear with him
and her childhood tales
and he assures her lovingly...

its then that he prays for the memory to stay...
and let them not snatch it away from him..
its then that he struggles to stop the process
He is put to sleep you see, and can't scream out right now...
But finally succeeds..
actually, he does it together with her
in his dreams
and both of them fight it together
and reverse the memories-erasing process

They realize all the bitter venom they had given away about the other
when they decided its better to get rid of the memories
and realize, they wanted to get rid of momories cuz they were too special to handle if the person they loved is not around..
and they make peace
confessing that its okay not be perfectly okay in a relationship
what matters at the end is the "togetherness" which lucky few get...

Remembrance:The ability to recall past occurrences
Memory:Something that is remembered

For memories are nurtured in the heart, the brain is just a device to contain and remember them
You can erase remembrances you know....but never the memories..they come back, and haunt you...they thrive....


________

Grey's anatomy


The other day he watches her sinking into the bathtub
and lying their lifeless for couple of seconds
untill he pulls her out of the water

And again
he pulls her out of
the ocean
where she got drowned accidentaly.
He knew, she must have given up even then
and let herself sink deep into devouring water
cuz the confusions around her life were too much to handle may be.

Bright, intellignet, funny and an aspiring surgeon, Meredith goes into coma..
cuz she gave up just for couple of seconds.
She travels through a journey of after-death experience
still unwilling to get back to earth
but finally fights it and returns to life....

____________

Who can ever explain all the abstraction floating around us day in and day out..
Things beyond our comprehension..
Beyond the power of science and logic
all I know is they are!...and not acknowledging them is not me...
so lemmebeme...
I can land into a sociably accepted job, marriage, family life
and yet regret not having sunk in deep for a while when I could
regret for giving into the accepted
my smile taken for my happiness
and my longing gaze taken as fleeting worry....

4 comments:

rain girl said...

shit! that movies is beautiful.... and so is your poem..you describe everything itne ache se....

Red Soul said...

u've got patience to describe everything! thats great! I cant imagine letting go of my memories, even though they hurt, they are all I have, and I cherish. :)

"You know its just a nightmare
and yet you can't open your eyes"

and such if life. you know certain things dont matter, but u gotta do them.

Red Soul said...

the first two lines of that john denver song uve posted..wow...

Ricky said...

I loved the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". The movie had a very scary premise but once the movie started, it was hard to take eyes of every shot. Its scary to even think that all the memories you collected over the years can one day be erased. I used to have nightmares when Dad was in Army and deployed in Kashmir. Some of them I still remember till this day even though I was 5-6 years old then. Although, I wouldn't want to erase those from my memory.